io viaggio sola (col capretto)

Ieri check-up dalla pediatra per il primo mese di vita del capretto: la nostra prima uscita a due, noi due soli.
Appuntamento alle 15 nell'ambulatorio a 3 km da casa.

Nell'ordine:
1. contrattempi ambientali: ha nevicato tutta la notte e qui da noi, in campagna, non passano spesso a pulire le strade, che quindi sono altamente pasticciate. Guida piano e con prudenza: rallenta senza frenare; accelera senza accelerare. Quando esco di casa, però, c'è un bellissimo sole, che si riflette in tutto quel bianco candore con mille abbaglianti luccichii. Uffi… gli occhiali da sole sono rimasti là, all'ingresso… ma chi poteva immaginare che servissero con tutta questa neve?
2. contrattempi neonatali: il capretto ha deciso di far slittare tutte le sue poppate di modo che quella pomeridiana sia alle 15 spaccate. Se ha faticato a dormire tutta la giornata, cade in un sonno profondo esattamente quando dobbiamo partire da casa. Gli cambio il pannolone perchè arrivi profumato dalla pediatra. Non appena glielo tolgo, spruzza pipì su tutto il fasciatoio. Lo rivesto e decide che vuole la pappa ADESSO, subito subito. Lo capisco perchè urla come un'aquila. Decido di dargli l'antipasto, per calmarlo e avere il tempo di metterlo in macchina senza rimetterci i timpani. Appena lo metto nella navicella, decide di non essere stitico per una volta e di fare tanta santa pupù puzzona. Nel frattempo, continua a scaldare le corde vocali. Amore della mamma: puzzi di cacca, sei accaldato e pure senza voce a forza di gridare. La pediatra ci adorerà.
3. contrattempi automobilistici: arrivata a Cossonay, il navigatore maledetto mi pone di fronte al bivio: entrare nel parcheggio a pagamento del centro commerciale o andare contromano in un senso vietato. Decido di far manovra in mezzo al bivio, di fronte agli occhi straniti della gente in uscita dal centro. Di mia spontanea iniziativa prendo un'altra strada e la trovo bloccata: il conducente del mezzo spalaneve sta piacevolmente conversando con un amico. Lo spalaneve blocca la strada; altrettanto fa la macchina del suo amico che è lasciata lì in mezzo, portiera aperta, motore acceso. Ah, beata gente di campagna: socievole e rilassata e chiaccherona… chi se ne importa se qualcuno non è socievole, nè rilassato, nè chiaccherone e ha appuntamento dalla pediatra  a d e s s o. Arrivata finalmente in prossimità dell'ambulatorio, cerco parcheggio. Ho due opzioni: il parcheggio a pagamento del supermercato (ma io non ho il portamonete con me e le uniche monetine che ho sono a casa… nell'altro cappotto… cazz…) o il parcheggio innevato delle moto con sosta massima di 30 minuti. E' così innevato che non si vedono le strisce delimitanti: ok, mettiamoci lì.
4. il Contrattempo con la C maiuscola: ok, capretto. Ora scendiamo. Berrettino messo, capottina tirata su, coperte rabboccate, chiusa la cerniera, sbloccate le fibbie di sicurezza. Ora, ci servono solo le ruote…. ….. …… …… …… le ruote….. …… ….. ….. porc……caz…… mannaggia….. le ruote, le ho dimenticate a casa…… cazz cazz cazz

E' così che ci siamo presentati dalla pediatra: rossi, sudati, incazzati, puzzolenti, stressati. La mogliettina, risaputamente traballante sul ghiaccio, è stata stoicamente in piedi pensando alle grida del maritozzo se solo avesse avuto la sciaguarata idea di scivolare con la navicella e l'erede dentro. Il capretto, col pannolone pieno e la pancia vuota, si è calmato con la dose di vitamina K; ha passato a pieni voti il check-up e ha superato i 4 kg.

Come prima uscita non c'è male, anche se, indubbiamente, abbiamo margini di miglioramento.

40 Responses to “io viaggio sola (col capretto)”

  1. giulia scrive:

    che ridere…ma sono certa che, quando sarà il mio turno, me la caverò molto peggio di così!

  2. elena scrive:

    Mi fai morire dal ridere!!

  3. Chiara scrive:

    @Giulia: Filippo non ti ha ancora scritto perchè è un bruto! ^_^ Sono sicura che tu non dimenticherai a casa le ruote della carrozzina… mannaggia alla mia testa vuota!

  4. Chiara scrive:

    @Elena: e sono sicura che tu non hai mai dimenticato le ruote a casa, vero? :)

  5. elena scrive:

    Non ho mai dimenticato le ruote perchè sono sempre in macchina :-) , ma a rotazione ho dimenticato le altre cose che si possono dimenticare: il ciuccio, il bavaglino, la borsa per il cambio.
    C'è un contrattempo che manca, ma che avrai modo di sperimentare più avanti, te lo anticipo? Succede sempre appena hai finito di vestire il bimbo o eventualmente appena ti sei vestita………

  6. Chiara scrive:

    @elena: parli del rigurgito? all'inizio credevo che Andreas non ne soffrisse. Povera illusa: ora casa nostra sembra il caseificio di formaggio di capra più puzzolente del globo…
     

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